Healing
by Bandit Hallows
Summary: Tina struggles with the past occurrences.. Credence death and Newt's departure. Sliding deeper and deeper into a depression, nobody seems to be able to reach her. Will Newt's return change the circumstances? Will they help each other heal? (sorry, horrible summary.. first chap will give you a good impression of the story line..) Tina x Newt Ch 3 onward complete fluff
1. Chapter 1

It's been six months.

Six months since Newt left New York.

Back then, everything seemed so perfect.

Our farewell was so warm, so gentle, both of our futures lay so bright ahead of us.

I guess I'll always remember every single detail about this day,

the smell of boats, salty ocean water and his aftershave, the sound of seagulls, excited people and his heartbeat… our awkward behavior, like two teenagers, him touching my hair so gentle and me turning bright red in the face, heart racing and about to jump out of my chest.. His dreamy eyes and his promise to return to New York and to me.

It's been six months since he spoke so highly of me, that I was actually allowed to return to my former position as an Auror! And, quite contrary to how I was treated before the … incident with Newt's beasts, I was now pretty well respected.

Not to be bragging, but I worked quite hard, probably harder than I ever had in my entire life and quickly managed to become one of the best Aurors at the MACUSA.

My colleagues highly valued my opinions and, even though I was still fairly young and new to the department, they often came for advice, President Picquery always trusted me with her most sensitive cases and never failed to acknowledge my successes.

Having climbed the career ladder so quickly, people thought of me as some sort of a natural talent when it came to dealing with the 'bad guys'. Oh yes, everything seemed so perfect.

The job in fact was quite literally a full time job, early in the morning I left for work, returning late in the night, for a short nap before I went off to work again. I was hardly at home, the job kept me busy. Which, to be honest, quite suited me.

Because it has also been six months, since Credence was murdered.

A sweet, innocent child, raised in a cruel world, brutally killed by adults that should have known better.

In silent moments I heard him whimpering in fear, every piece of black dust I saw reminded me of him.

His screams of terror and pain kept ringing in my ears like church bells, his frightened face still haunted me every night in my sleep.

The fact of knowing I could have done more, knowing I could have prevented his death, knowing it was basically all my fault kept circling in my head. During the days I kept myself busy, working harder and longer than anybody else in order to avoid going home, to avoid having time for myself, to avoid having time to think, feel or exist.

But late at night, when I wasn't buzzing around anymore, when I finally couldn't keep myself occupied any longer, the waves of guilt hit me in the face like a brick, leading me to having a total mental breakdown. Sometimes I lay on the floor for hours, crying and punching the ground as every single one of my mistakes came floating back, sometimes I just sat there, staring blankly into a wall, not moving, not speaking, not thinking. Just drowning in my emotions, not able to do anything else.

Yes, the nights were the worst.

I was haunted by nightmares.

They were different every time, yet scarily alike: The dreams were all about Credence and Newt.

I was repeatedly forced to watched Credence die, the boy I promised to protect, I saw myself, just standing there, doing nothing. Utterly useless as I was. And I saw Newt. My Newt. The man I so secretly fell in love with.

In some dreams he died, trying to protect the boy from my mistakes, sometimes he survived, but was arrested and later on sentenced to death for whatever stupid reasons my brain could make up. And sometimes, he yelled at me, told me everything I actually subconsciously thought about myself, saying I'd be such a failure, not being able to keep my promises to a boy who trusted me, having nobody but my sister because I was so horrible nobody could stand being around me for too long… and several other horrible things that hurt me more than weapons and curses ever could.

Nearly every night I woke up from nightmares, drenched in sweat, sometimes screaming, sometimes crying.

It's been six months and nothing got better.

In the first few months, Queenie, being a natural Legilimens, saw my dreams and of course tried to calm me, tried to help me through this hard time. She always made some cocoa, grabbed a blanket and tried to get me to talk about it, but I never did. I just couldn't.  
I was too scared of letting her know what a monster her sister was, so I shut her out completely. Me being the total opposite of my sister (being the socially awkward, ugly, boyish part) also meant me being a natural Occlumens **,** so I had no problems keeping her out of my mind.

Yes, it did hurt her, though. Since we were kids and discovered our fairly unnatural talents, I never shut her out, never for once even thought about it. She was my sister after all, the person I trusted most in this entire world!

But now, everything had changed.

Weeks passed and months passed in which I managed to isolate myself even more from everybody, including my sister.

After me having declined too many times, my coworkers stopped asking if I wanted to go to the pub with them after a long case, I always smiled and told them stories about paper work or spending time with my sister, which made it for me impossible to go this evening, but maybe I'd go the next… which of course I never did. They greeted me, when they saw me at the office or down the street, held small talk, but secretly had given up on getting to know me on a private basis long ago.  
Queenie got closer to Jacob again, though the No-Maj couldn't remember a thing from their adventures, he remembered his deep, affectionate love for the red haired witch, which of course resulted in them being together most of the time.

After one of our countless fights about my nightmare induced screams having woken her and me refusing to talk to her about it, completely blocking her out, Queenie even went that far as moving in with him in his apartment above his bakery.

Which left me finally all alone.

No friends, no family left, it was only me and my demons haunting me in every single moment of my waking time.

Queenie of course never really left me, she came by every other day with cakes or bread or her famous cocoa, but I kept pushing her away. I didn't want to drag her down with me when the darkness would finally consume me.  
I knew I was sliding deeper and deeper in a void I wouldn't be able to escape on my own, but I couldn't help it.

I couldn't run from my feelings any longer, I was a prisoner in my own head, unable to break free. And to be honest, I didn't even see a reason to fight the demons any longer. After all, it was me who was to blame for all this, so I quite welcomed the pain.

I started this bad habit a while ago, cutting helped me escape from my life for a moment, the sight of blood was a sweet relieve from the usual guilt I felt. I remember the first cut, so fragile, so careful, barely a scratch, but now..

It only helped so far. After moments of calmness the darkness returned, I needed more and I needed worse cuts, always worse and worse and worse. Careful to never cut where my secrets could have been discovered, nearly my entire body was now covered in angry, red, screaming lines.

Secretly, all I wanted was somebody to be with me, to hold me, hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok, but I knew I had to act like the invincible person I always seemed to be. I had to be strong. I wasn't allowed to let anyone in.

Today was a Sunday, which actually meant the day off for me, but I had volunteered to stay at the office in case some cases came floating in.

But today, nothing happened. Literally nothing, so they decided to send me home in the afternoon.

Bugged by the question on what to do next, I went shopping, buying everything you need in a fully functioning household. Perfectly well knowing, I'd throw most of it out again for I was neither fully functioning nor a real household at all.

I was just too tired to do much of a cooking or cleaning the house in the No-Maj way.

Keeping myself busy with comparing two dishwashing liquids (one was blue, the other yellow, that was about the only difference I could find) I waited until the shops closed and finally made my way back home to my apartment.

It would be a long evening, I thought exasperated, it was barely nine pm.  
I turned on the radio, barely listening to what the radio witch was saying, quickly getting lost in my own thoughts again

Sitting alone in the darkness of my room again, I soon fell into a loneliness I couldn't describe. I fell and couldn't get a hold of anything that could have caught me. My mind slowly began circling again. First slow and then faster and faster it went. Memories came flying from out of nowhere, just to drag me down, scratch at my soul and then to disappear again, I heard their voices and suddenly…

I didn't feel anything at all anymore. Everything was quiet, my mind lay still, only my heartbeat interrupted the silence, a hollow thumping that reminded me of the fact that this lifeless shell was still alive.

I sat there the rest of the evening, blindly staring into nothingness as I kindly embraced the numbness that kept washing over me.

A soft knock at the door yanked me out of my thoughts.

Fully out of my trance again I looked alarmed at the clock: 11pm. Who in the right mind would think about visiting somebody this late in the evening?

I drew my wand and carefully walked towards the door. One last, steady breath and I threw the door open, wand aiming at the late intruder.

However, facing me wasn't some creepy murderer,  
facing me was a pair of gentle, green eyes, halfway covered by wild wisps of untidy, red hair. I gasped a second later, still unable to fully grasp what or better whom I saw. "Newt?!"


	2. Chapter 2

In front of me stood the man I missed so much since he left me at the harbor, still in his silly, adorable blue coat and his gray-yellowish scarf with the badgers emblem. In one hand he held his suitcase, with the other one he reached out to me and drew me close into a hug.

"Surprise" he grinned into my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around his neck and smiled the first real smile since ages. "You're really here?" I squeaked, as he carefully lifted me in the air and whirled me around happily.

Setting me down again, holding me an arm length away from him, he dreamily looked into my eyes and smiled the smile I had missed so much.

However, after a second his happy expression faded and was replaced by a worried look in his eyes, all his carefreeness was gone. His thumb carefully stroke my cheek as he softly asked: "Are you ok, Tina? What … what happened?"

With a confused glance I quickly checked my appearance out of the corner of my eyes: I was still fully dressed, every area of concern covered, well, maybe he wasn't used to my old baggie pants, but otherwise..

"Do I really look that awful?" I joked, trying to save the situation and returning to the light atmosphere from before, "well dear, you should see yourself, then.. also have seen better days, haven't we, Mr. Scamander?" I teasingly nudged my shoulder in his side, but his lips didn't even curl one bit.

"You look… so tired" was all he managed to say while continuing to stare at me.

And suddenly it clicked. I finally knew what he probably meant.

The past few months, the rollercoasters of emotions, did take quite a toll, there may have been times somewhen along the way when I forgot or not cared enough to eat or drink and well, maybe the countless sleepless nights didn't make my any better. During the day, when meeting people, I covered my ghostly facial features with a sort of glamour charm, but being back home I hadn't bothered to keep up the charm any longer. That was the reason he looked so scared. He saw behind my mask, saw the monstrous face I had tried to hide so badly.

Hoping he'd just let it go, I tried to put it off, laughed and explained with a wink : "The job, you know..? That's what you get from saving the world every day!

Shall we go inside? I'll prepare a quick dinner, you sure must be starving?"

I wasn't too sure if this convinced him or not, but he followed me in the kitchen and half heartedly grinned: "Pie or Strudel?"

I laughed delighted, as I remembered our first, awkward meal together.

"Well, sorry to disappoint you, but Queenie moved to Jacob a while ago, so you'll have to endure my cooking skills"

A confused look greeted my statement of Queenie not being here any longer, but Newt thankfully decided not to press the topic any further and instead gently pushed me down on a chair: "How about you sit down and I make dinner? I'm quite sure you had a long day at work and I found this lovely recipe down in Italy, it's said to be one of the best…" And so he kept on talking, as various ingredients kept flying from every corner of the kitchen and magically baked themselves to a perfectly crisp pie. "Knowing I'll never be able to top Queenie's Strudel, I hope pie is ok?" he grinned, gingerly looking at me through his messy wisp of hair.

His smile was so lovingly adorable, I couldn't do much more than simper back. How could he be this … way, how could he so perfect the way he was?

Soon we were seated at the table, devouring his delicious meal, talking about everything and nothing at all.

I told him about my adventures as an official MACUSA Auror, which were actually in my opinion quite boring stories, however, he seemed fascinated and kept asking tons of questions, his eyes shining as bright as children's' eyes at Christmas.

Afterwards, he told me about his travels, his journeys and his beasts. Whom he met, how his beasts were doing, whom he added to his home in the suitcase, etc. We even talked about Queenie and Jacob, how their relationship was going and how adorable they were together. We talked about Jacob's bakery and his book contract, we talked about pretty much except that fateful day half a year back.

I could have continued talking with Newt for ages, his happy, bright personality began lightening up my soul, forcing my inner darkness to slowly withdraw. Being with him made me feel.. safe. Made me feel like I finally arrived at the place I didn't even know I was longing for. Home.

However, my wide yawn forcefully reminded me, that everything had to come to an end at some point, especially, since Newt also looked like he'd fall asleep this instant if he stopped fighting the tiredness any longer.

"I guess you'll have to be at work tomorrow morning? How about going to bed now and continue our conversation tomorrow?" He winced. "And I with going to bed I mean like .. you go to your bed and.. I'm just.. gonna.. uhm .. I'm gonna sleep somewhere else, uhm…" His hilarious, helpless struggle for words was nothing against his face, which had turned to a deep shade of red. "I mean, I'm sorry, that's just.. you know.. sorry, I'm so sorry, Merlin, that was so awkward, I'll better be going, I mean.."  
"Newt", I interrupted his rambling, "I'd love to have you stay here in my apartment! How about you staying in Queenie's old room? Doesn't have a whole lot of stuff in it, but a bed and an empty wardrobe should still be in there..? It's not much, but.." - "It's perfect. Thank you, Ti. For letting me stay here and.. for just everything. Thank you." He said, barely louder than a whisper, gazing deep into my eyes with a look that made my knees wobbly.  
"You're very welcome, Mr. Scamander", I grinned, getting lost in his eyes yet again. After what felt like an eternity passing, I ripped my look away from his, pointed down the hall and said: "Bathroom's still down there, everything's the same since last time" I smiled another longing smile and mumbled "Good night, Newt.. Sleep well" As I turned towards my bedroom, I heard him reply softly: "Sweet dreams, Ti.. See you tomorrow.."

With a goofy smile on my lips I closed the door and got ready for bed. His soft voice still ringing in my ears as I turned out the light. The first night in weeks I hadn't felt the urge to harm myself in any way.


	3. Chapter 3

"No, please, no, NO!" I jerked awake, screaming my lungs out in a desperate plea, trying to at least save Newt from any more harm. Tears kept running down my cheeks. I had failed. Again. I hadn't been able to safe him. Them. I had failed them both.

I could still taste the dust of the remaining fractions of Credence, I could still smell Newt's blood on my hands, I could still hear their desperate, pained screams for me to help them, I could still see Newt's expression as he drew his final breath.

I could still feel the helplessness that kept washing over me as I was forced to watch them getting murdered.

"No, please, not him", I silently kept on whimpering, my voice cracking, as tears kept flooding my face.

"Tina, Ti!" The door burst open, Newt was standing in the door frame, still in his PJs, halfway asleep, yet wand held high, ready to attack whomever he believed to have caused me any harm.

Looking around in a hurry, checking every corner of my room, he realized I hadn't screamed because of someone, more due to a something.

His eyes widened in shock. For a second he didn't move at all, just stood in the door thunderstruck, probably unable to believe what he was seeing. But then he seemed to have recovered himself and carefully approached me as I sat there, shaking and shivering, still crying, clutching my blanket like a life vest.

"Tina? Heey, Ti, Ti, it's ok, listen to me, it's ok. You're safe. Everything's ok. Shhh. Everything's going to be ok ", he whispered softly as he sat on the corner of my bed furthest away from me as if to not startle me even more. "What's wrong? What's causing you so much pain?"

He slowly moved a couple of inches towards me.

Gently reaching out for me, he cradled one of my hands in his, uncurling it from the blanket I still kept holding.

"Please, don't tell me it's nothing, I can see it, I can hear it! I could see it from the first moment I saw you again! Something is off! Please, let me help you! I'm here for you! Don't shut me out!" His last words were barely audible, yet so full of pain, fear and helplessness.

Slowly I came back to reality, my foggy senses began to fully take in the situation in front of me: Newt sitting on my bed in his pajamas, desperately trying to get me to talk to him. Because I also woke him up with my stupid dreams. Soon he would leave me, too. Like everyone did, eventually.

Out of pure reflex, driven by some mad force that constantly yelled "Deny", I instantly started making up excuses, lying straight in his face.

"I'm sorry to have woken you up, I just.. thought I heard something and that scared me, I'm sorry.. the job, you know.. Making me a little paranoid, I guess, I'm fine, really. Sorry for startling you that early, I'm a horrible host, next time I'll try to set my outbursts to more appropriate times..", I rolled my eyes, tried a shaky laugh, but indeed failed miserably.

"Tina, that's..", he began, probably about to discuss with me the definition of ‚fine' and this horrible explanation altogether, but I really didn't have the patience for this right now.

I sat here in front of him, still shivering from what I had seen in my dreams, still on the edge of tears, still only inches away from another meltdown. I had my walls down, my facade crumbled. Looking in his worried, gentle, loving eyes, all I wanted to do was breaking down in his arms, talk about my fears and memories, my insecurities and feelings of inferiority, but I couldn't. I wasn't allowed to. I had to be strong.

Right now, I didn't look that independent and invulnerable as I always pretended to be. He really mustn't see me like this. I had to get him out of my room before things got even worse than they were now.

"Mr. Scamander!", I interrupted him sharply, gathering all the strength I could find in my exhausted body, "I told you I am fine. Would you please be so kind and leave it with that? I'm tired and I need to get up early for work tomo- well today. I'd really appreciate you leaving me alone now, I really need a good night's sleep! So if you _please_ would excuse me."

A moment of silence followed my sudden outburst, him looking as if he couldn't quite grasp what I had just said.

Looking rather confused and taken aback from my harsh words, he then got up warily, his face full of disappointment and hurt.

He slowly walked towards the door, but with one hand on the doorknob he turned around again, apparently trying one last time to get through to me. "Tina, please.." But the cold look on my face was enough for him to understand.

"Ok… Good night, Tina. Sleep.. well, sleep better than before, I guess."  
With that he left, leaving the door open just a crack. Probably just in case.

For a moment I sat there, unsure of what to do.  
Frankly speaking, I felt horrible. Still traumatized from my dream, I even went that far to hurt Newt, the man I was actually trying to protect with every fiber of my heart. He stood right there in front of me and I sent him away again so rudely.

The tears came back, forcing their way through my eyes again. But this time I let them run. Nobody would see me like this, in here, all alone, I could allow myself to be weak.

All of a sudden I felt a hand like thing carefully stroking my cheek, wiping away a few tears. However, just as I was about to yell at Newt for having snuck back into my room, I noticed a gray haired, sloth like creature sitting on my lap, looking at me with his great brown, sad eyes.

"Hey, Dougal", I whispered, immediately recognizing Newt's Demiguise. "Hey buddy, what are you doing here? Did you lose Newt? Did you get lost? Shall I bring you to him?"

I looked at him expectantly, but instead of giving me any form of reply, he just sat there, continuing to wipe my tears away, before thinking a second, then climbing under my blanket and curling up next to me.

For a second I didn't move, confused about the Demiguise's behavior, until I realized he probably didn't want me to be on my own.

Not wanting to admit how glad I was not having to be alone for the rest of the night, I just smiled and appreciated his presence, dimmed the light again and lay down, cradling Dougal's warm and soft body like a kid held its favorite stuffed animal.

Of course I didn't think about going back to sleep after what I had just seen in my dreams, so instead I listened to the creature's even breathing, his quiet snoring and purring slowly calming my racing mind.

I had been awful to Newt. I knew all he wanted was to help me, but instead of being grateful, I pushed him away like Queenie.

Lost in thoughts I stroke Dougal's head, burying my fingers deep in thick fur.

What was I supposed to do now?  
As I was quite sure he'd get up in the morning with me, trying to talk, I checked the watch. 4.23am.

I really couldn't bring myself to talk to him, I already knew it. Even if I wanted to, I was quite sure I couldn't. So why conjure this awkward situation?

I needed to get up in an hour anyways and since I would hardly fall asleep again, I determinately untangled myself from the piles of blankets, careful not to waken the animal next to me. After a second thought I built a small nest of blankets around him, so he'd feel more comfortable sleeping.

Having done so I took a quick, hurried, quiet shower, got dressed and slipped out of the apartment just before Newt's alarm went off.

However, not wanting to leave without having explained myself at least a little bit, I left a note on the kitchen table for him:

 _Newt,_

 _I'm really horribly sorry that I've woken and frightened you tonight.  
Also the way I talked to you.. it was just not fair, I had no right to do so._

 _All you wanted to do was help, and I really appreciate your efforts, but there's really no need to._

 _Please believe me, it was only a bad dream, there's honestly nothing to worry about. I'm totally fine._

 _I really hope you can forgive me.. and forget about what happened._

 _I'm sorry, I'm really horrible with letters, never been much of a writer, that's more your part. All I wanted to say is that I'm awfully sorry about everything. I really am. Please forgive me._

 _And, by the way, Dougal came to visit me last night, curled up next to me and fell straight asleep… He's probably still sleeping, seemed pretty tired.._

 _Just in case you're wondering where he disappeared to ;)_

I'm at work now, but I will be back by around 8pm..

 _Hope to see you then,_

 _even though I could of course totally understand you not wanting to see me anymore.._

 _love_

 _3_

 _Tina_

As I left work this night I was exhausted and quite scared of the situation I'd come home to.  
Was Newt still in my apartment? Did he really care enough about me to stay with me even when I pushed him away? If he really was still there, which I quite hoped, did he expect me to talk about last night?  
I felt panic rising in my chest as I slowly turned the key in the lock and opened the door unsure of what to expect, what to hope for.

Quite to my surprise I was greeted with a delicious smell of pasta and a humming Newt, who was bending down, looking in the oven.  
"Perfect timing, dinner's just about to be done!", he greeted me, smiling widely at me, then finally turning back towards the stove, preparing the rest of the meal.

I eyed him critically for a few seconds, but as he seemed to make no effort in talking about last night, a huge weight was lifted off my back, apparently he had decided to drop the topic for now? At least I hoped so. Work had been a really strenuous and my entire body hurt from having to chase unsubs all day, so I slumped down on a chair close to him, grateful to be allowed to sit again.

"Long day?" Newt asked sympathetically, as he watched me leaning heavily on the armrest and closing my eyes for a second.

"Hmmmmmh", I mumbled. Normally I came home equally exhausted, lay down on the floor and stared at a wall or something, maybe getting up after hours and hours of doing nothing to heat up some microwave food (a pretty useful invention by the No-Majs).

But today was different. Newt was here and took care of me, he prepared something to eat and, as I noticed embarrassed, even organized the chaos of paperwork, books, magazines and office files that were spread throughout the entire apartment, having piled them up neatly on my desk.

A warm, fuzzy feeling started to spread from head to toe, warming me up from within. He really cared about me.

'Oh, don't be ridiculous,', I scolded myself immediately, 'He probably just pitied you because of last night. There's really nothing more to it!'

But still, the warm feeling stayed.

"So, what happened at work today that managed knocked you off your feet? Tell me, or wait, no, let me guess! Another escape of some truly fantastical beasts? The return of Grindelwald 2.0? Oh, how about somebody bewitching teapots to hit unsuspecting Muggles?" Newt disrupted the silence that had fallen over us, his voice sounding like the grin that was spread across his face. His soft, tiny curls kept bouncing up and down as he spoke, his green orbs sparkling expectantly.

"Wait, what? Whoah, what? Teapot?", I laughed, unable to keep my usual seriousness as I watched him sit down next to me with two pasta filled plates in his hand, excited like a child about to hear its favorite story.

His broad smile slightly faded and was instead replaced by a shy, yet mischievous grin.  
"Sorry, that was too .. far off, wasn't it..? Sorry, I mean to, I just.. I love hearing you talk about your job. It's really.. Merlin, Tina, you're an Auror! And a darn good one as far as I heard! You're so.. amazingly special and interesting and you probably aren't even aware of that!

You were even mentioned in the Daily Prophet a couple of times, hold on, I got the articles here somewhere…" He snatched his suitcase and his head disappeared for a short moment in it as he kept rummaging through his papers. "Riiight, there they are", he said and pulled a pretty thick stack of news cuttings on the table, each either mentioning my name or showing my face (even if it was only somewhere in the far background) .

For a second I sat there, utterly speechless, carefully looking through the various articles of his.

"Newt!", I finally managed to gasp, "wow, you.. you really kept all those, just because they mentioned me..?"

I blushed and so did he. In fact, him far more than me, his face turning to a deep shade of red wich clashed adorably with his hair.

"Well.. yeah, of course, I mean.. I guess it seems so..?

Uhm.. Do you still remember that case with the goblins..", he abruptly changed topics and held an article under my nose.  
"Oh yes, of course..", I rolled my eyes and grinned as the memories kept coming back, "They had an underground trading business with magical artifacts that were supposed to be stored in their banks.."

"I was in Ireland back then, finishing my reports and sketches of some animals when the newspaper arrived.. It in fact was the first article that had you named as the 'Auror in charge' ", Newt's eyes gazed into the distance for a second, remembering the day and the big news.

And so we continued talking on and on, slowly, case by case, paper cutting by paper cutting, reconstructing the paths we traveled and adventures we were confronted with since we last saw each other, until the recent events of today, which, to his great pleasure, were quite spectacular:

We wasted half a day chasing a criminal, who kept disapperating just as we arrived at his current location, only throwing spells at us and gone he was again.

When we finally had cornered him, though, we all stood in the middle of a No-Maj flooded street, wands raised and immediately stunning him. Which of course didn't go unnoticed by the No-Majs, so the entire street had to be obliviated, which consumed the rest of the day.

"So, as you can clearly see, the day was disastrous", I finished, picking up the last fork full of pasta on my now empty plate.

"Oh, I think you did a splendid job, my dear. Totally outstanding. Muggles just love to lose their memories once in their while, you probably really made their day", Newt teasingly mocked, winking at me under his wild stains of hair.

"Charming as always, Mr. Scamander!", I replied, laughing. "Well, what did you do the entire day then? According to you, I saved the world today, so.. can you compete?"

"Oh, you know.. not really probably, compared to you I did nothing too exciting.. stayed here and .. enjoyed a quiet day home as one could call it.."

We stared at each other for a second, then hurriedly looking away, the both of us blushing at Newt calling this apartment 'home'.

Hurriedly changing the topic again, Newt started babbling again:

"Oh, before I forget: Queenie came by today and see what she brought us: Dougal-shaped pastries! Just look, don't they look like the real Dougal?

You really spoiled him, by the way. He kept sitting in your room, snuggled in your blankets, waiting for you to return. Won't even look at me anymore, he obviously really adores you! When.. .. wait, is everything ok?" Newt interrupted his talking, looking rather puzzled, as he noticed I jumped at the mention of Queenie's name.

My good mood and the happiness immediately washed away again.

"She… was here? My sister was here today?" I asked in a worried, slightly horrified tone as I tensed up even further.

"Uhm, well, yeah? Stopped over to bring pastries and chat a little bit.. About Jacob and her, the job, my job, you know, stuff..", Newt replied confused and yet a tat wary. He really had no clue what went wrong here, he had tried to keep the evening as light and happy as possible and yet, somewhere he had slipped.

The calming atmosphere was gone, replaced by a sudden, cold tension between us.

I felt panic rising up again.

I could vividly imagine how they had talked. Maybe they really had talked about themselves, too, for a short time at least, but in fact I was sure they both were too eager to discussed my current state of mind. I felt cornered. pressured. deceived.  
Queenie, upon having seen in Newts thoughts what happened last night, probably told him everything about her experiences, what she had seen and read and then the probably discussed all the facts like they were some mad Psychologists or something. Spreading my mental life out like this was some kind of Witch-Weekly article or something. Overanalyzing every detail and drawing the conclusion I was not quite right in the brain.

Probably they both had agreed on me being a case for a mental ward.

For a fraction of a second, my eyes darted to his. He looked.. worried. concerned. wary. Something in his eyes I couldn't quite place. He looked at me like I was one of his beasts that was about to freak.

He really thought I was a freak.

"Oh well, then I guess you had a nice talk then? About.. nothing in peculiar?", I asked, my voice too high and trembling from the anxiety that kept knocking at my chest.

He really thought I was a freak.

I pushed my chair back. "You know what, I think it's best if I go to my room now. It's quite late and I have to get up early for work. So if you please excuse me", I said, my voice shaking with unshed tears, as I fled into my room, locking the door behind me. He really thought I was a freak.

The fear of losing him began to grow again, beginning to consume me.

I probably had already lost him.

I threw myself face forward onto my bed, as I heard Newt gently knocking on my door.

"Tina, please. Don't do that.

We.. we really can't continue like that. We can't just act like everything is fine when it's obviously not! Please stop pretending!

Ti, we're really worried about you! _I'm_ worried about you! I'm here for you and I won't leave!  
I'll of course respect your privacy and I understand it's difficult for you to admit that something's off, but.. please don't shut us out forever, ok? We're right here for you if you need anything, ok?" He paused for a moment, waiting for me to reply anything, give him a sign, anything, which I didn't do. I stayed silent.

I heard somebody softly stroke over the door. "It's okay if you don't want to talk tonight. I respect that. But.. I won't give up. I'll never give up on you. Please don't forget that.  
Sleep well, Tina.. see you in the morning. Sweet dreams", he softly whispered against the door and I heard his footsteps disappear, his door clicking shut.

I inhaled deeply, I didn't even realize I was holding my breath the entire time he had talked.

What he had said was.. Adorable. Yet so uncalled for.

I was fine, just because I wasn't that type of person to talk about their issues with anybody didn't mean I was fragile or hurt or anything. I just liked to deal with my problems in a private manner, handling them myself.

I tried to ignore a nagging voice in the back of my head, which kept showing me how horrible I failed in "handling my problems myself" within the last few months, as I got up and unlocked the door again. I had never felt comfortable sleeping in a locked room anyways, so I opened the door a crack, just as Newt had done last night. I really couldn't explain why I did this, probably totally unintentionally, and yet up to a certain point on purpose.

I climbed back on my bed, changing into my PJs with a wave of my wand, thoughts trailing back to what Newt had said.

Did he really mean it when he said he'd stay and never leave me?

But that'd also mean he'd expect me to talk about the contents of my dreams. Which I absolutely under no circumstances wanted him to know. Which meant I'd disappoint and hurt him even further than I already had. Which would result in me pushing him away even more. Which would eventually result in him giving up on and leaving me.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them tight, wondering how much longer I could live with this state of mind.

A movement next to my bed made me look up and pulled me out of my thoughts again.

I smiled a tiny smile.

The Demiguise was standing next to my bed again, looking up to me, his face still full of crumbles, probably from the Dougal-pastries

"Oh Dougal", I whispered, cradling him close as he curled up on my lap, I buried my face in his soft neck "why can't they just leave me the way I am… Why does everything seem to be so complicated…"

* * *

 _ **Hey guys :)**_  
 _ **Sorry it took me so long to update the story, but as I said.. too many tests at the moment :(**_  
 _ **The last test is Thursday, so up till then I probably won't have the time to write anything, so sorry for the delay in advance..**_

 _ **Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter... :)**_  
 _ **and thank you for your reviews *blush* They keep me motivated through the long nights of studying :)**_

 _ **Sooo, I guess, that's it :) Thank you for reading this fic and hope to see you next chapter :)**_


	4. Chapter 4

It was about three in the morning when I woke up crying so hard it made my chest hurt and stomach ache.  
Another nightmare, of course.

I've had horrible nightmares before, but this had been by far the worst.

As I set there helplessly shivering, quietly whimpering, desperately trying not to make a sound, my hand reached out to the place next to me I knew Dougal was sleeping, his soft fur had provided so much comfort last time.

But instead of his warm body I only felt the cold absence of the Demiguise.

Even he was sick of my constant drama. Even he had left me.

I sat up and hugged my knees, rocking back and forth, tears still continuing to fall down my face.

'At least I didn't scream this time, so I didn't wake up Newt. After the drama yesterday that'd be really uncomfortable..', I thought defeatedly, just as my door was gently pushed open and a head poked through.

"Hey.. uuhm.. you're awake? Sorry to disturb your sleep, I just.. Dougal woke me up and pulled me towards your door, I just wanted to… you know, I wanted to see if everything's ok..?"

With that, Newt opened the door fully and looked at me.

His shoulders dropped, his usually carefree, boyish, innocent expression faded, a shocked, worried and slightly disappointed look spread across his face. He slowly shook his head.

Helplessly he stood in the door frame, not really knowing what to do, debating his next step.  
I could see him biting his lips, thinking about the last time he was in this situation. I had kicked him out for getting too close to me.

"Newt, please..", I whimpered, barely audible, silently sniveling, "please just leave me alone."

A moment of silence followed my desperate plea.

He exhaled heavily, looked up to me again and slowly and carefully shook his head.

"No, I won't, Tina." he whispered, sat down on my bed and pulled me into his strong arms.

To be honest, it felt really calming. Inhaling his very specific scent, being embraced by his warmth, feeling his heartbeat pounding against my ear, gently reminding me with every beat, that he indeed was still alive, sitting next to me, holding me close, _wanting_ me close.

This time, he didn't try to tell me everything was ok, for we both knew it wasn't .

He didn't even try to pressure me into talking about my dreams. He just sat there and held me tight, rocking us both back and forth, soothingly stroking over my hair.

For a minute I allowed myself to close my eyes and savor this moment, letting my head rest against his shoulder.

I never wanted to admit it, but sometimes, when things got bad again, all I wished was someone to hug me and sit through the night with me, holding my hand while I fell asleep. I wished I wouldn't need to get through this terrible mess alone.

But, as stubborn and proud and independent as I was, I never allowed myself to think that way. I never had allowed myself to ask for or even think about support.

Even now, with Newt sitting so close to me, doing everything I could possibly wish for, him desperately trying to help me, I still couldn't bare to let him think I was _vulnerable. wounded. weak. desperate. a complete psycho._

One last time inhaling his scent, I straightened up and tried to wrestle myself out of his arms.

"Thank you, Newt.. For always being there for me.. I.. I really appreciate this, you know?", I whispered, my voice sounding strangely scratchy from crying. Avoiding eye contact, I added "Thank you for staying with me.. But I think I'd better go to sleep now.. The rest of the night will hopefully be a more peaceful.." Having said that, I tried to stand up, not really knowing where to go. Since we were in _my room_ , I had nowhere to leave to.

However, as I got up, Newt relieved me of that decision by softly pulling me back next to him.

"Don't", was all he was able to say, as he wrapped his arms around me again, continuing to hold me as he did before.

"Don't push me away, Tina.. I'm not leaving your side tonight, not after this!"

He cupped my face in his hands and wiped away a lonely, half dried tear, looking me directly into my eyes.

"I can't and won't let anybody, anything or even yourself hurt you anymore. I promise. I'll keep you safe." His thumb brushed over my shoulder blade. My latest cuts.

"Dougal told me.. about yesterday night. About what you did yesterday night. But don't be mad at him, ok? He's just worried.. as am I.

I don't want anything to harm you anymore. You deserve to be happy more than anybody. And I just wish I knew how I could help you."

I looked in his green eyes. They were so soft. so full of comfort. so gentle. so caring. so safe.

Even though I had sworn myself not to cry in front of anybody, I couldn't stop the tears forming in my eye as I listened to his words, which stood in total contradiction to what 'he' had said to me in my nightmares. I began shivering again, shaking, as the memories came back.

The first tear fell. Closely followed by another and another.

As my vision got blurry, I felt my wall crumble. Just a bit. Just one, tiny brick, but it was all it took right now. I couldn't hold my mask up any longer and for the first time, I also didn't want to.

As more and more tears flooded my eyes, I threw my arms around him, buried my face in his collar and cried first softly, then uncontrollably into the fabric.

After a moment of surprise he hugged me even tighter than he did before and carried on rocking us back and forth.

I couldn't remember ever having cried so much and in the end, I couldn't even remember what I exactly cried about. All I remembered was, that it hurt so much. It felt, like my soul was ripped in two. My thought, my memories, my mind, my heart, everything just hurt so unbelievably much.

The type of hurt that spread through your body, filling every vein, every muscle, every breath, every heartbeat.

As the pain began to be unbearable, I curled up on his lap, pulling my knees up to my chin again, head resting against his chest, a hand still clutching his shirt, never letting go of him.

All the pain and sorrow, the fear and grief I had bottled up inside for too long, everything now flooded my body.

We must have sat there for hours, though he didn't seem to mind.

He didn't mind that his shirt grew continuously wet from my tears, not did he mind that I clung to him like he was my personal life vest. He didn't mind that I by now had thrown my full weight against him, nor did he mind that I didn't talk to him at all.

"It's ok, Ti.. I'm here.. I've got you.", I heard him whisper into my hair, as I slowly, out of pure exhaustion from crying and lack of sleep altogether, drifted off to sleep in his arms.

* * *

 _Hey guys :)  
Sorry it took me so long to update this story, had a lot going on bc of college..  
_ _So far I've passed all my tests *yaaaaay*, but there are still two more to go _ so.. well. Never mind.. :D_

 _This chapter is rather short, I know, but I really want to focus on the dreams in the next chapter, their content and their intensity, so basically this didn't fit in this chapter too well, I think it's too important to just squeeze it in somewhere..  
I hope you liked this chap, reviews, as always, appreciated :) You still continue to save my day and make me happy while studying :)_

So, I guess that's it..?

 _Thank you for reading this and a Happy New Year to everyone :) May it be filled with joy, love, happiness, health and a lot of Newtina *_* 3_


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